“Fighting Fair” in Marriage
Do you ever use extreme or irrational tactics to gain your point (slamming doors, stomping around)?
Do you sometimes hurt your spouse in order to have the last word (sarcasm, name-calling)?
Do you store up grudges and use them to “hit” your partner over the head at a later time (revenge)?
Is your attitude “If I don’t get what I want, I will quit cooperating?”
Do you continually expect others to do things the “right way” (your way)?
If you answered: YES to any of the above, you are not “fighting fair,” and are creating an interaction pattern of “I win, you lose.” If this continues over a period of time, you will be setting into motion a hurtful, destructive method of resolving disagreements.
Most couples fight about some things, but many seem to differ about virtually everything and anything-which TV programs to watch, where to go on vacation, how to discipline the children, how to spend money, who is going to work, what kind of chores each has to do, etc. Disagreement and conflict are part of the daily lives of many couples because marriage provides a fertile ground in which the seeds of conflict can germinate.
When ignored unresolved differences pile up, so do irritations and resentments. How well a marriage is working depends in part on how well a couple learns the skills they can use to negotiate and resolve their differences. Since marriage has the awesome ability to amplify the strengths and weaknesses in each individual’s personality, conflicts often become vicious circles and the relationship becomes a power struggle.
When the vicious circle of conflict dominates married life, each person feels angry, hurt, misunderstood and rejected. Neither is able to trust the other. The couple may slip into “playing games” with each other. Game playing does not allow the couple to fight fair because each partner sees the other as the enemy.
If a couple is to move away from the pouting and withdrawing or fighting and making up, they must use a more constructive way to fight.
Here is a constructive way to resolving conflict in a marriage: Recognize conflict issues, listen carefully to the other person, select the most appropriate time, define the problem or conflict issue, identify your own contributions to the problem, identify alternate solutions, Decide on an acceptable solution, and implement new behaviors.
The key to avoiding a destructive conflict is to keep in mind that the goal is to defeat the problem rather than to win the argument. Conveying honest feelings openly and resolving differences of opinion constructively may be two of the most difficult challenges of marriages-but well worth the time and effort.
Resource: Lingren, Herbert, Extension Family Life Specialist, NebGuide, “Fighting Fair” in Marriage, Cooperative Extension, Institute of Agriculture & Natural Resources, University of Nebraska-Lincoln, October 1999.
